The Nerdist Fanfic
by thewhitepatch
Summary: When a mysterious character approaches him, Chris Hardwick must get the band back together for one last podcast in what might be the first Nerdist Fanfic on the internet.


_The first in my "Disappointed in the internet" series of stories, in which i write a fanfic that should already exist. I'm suprised that nobody has written a nerdist fanfic yet, as discribed in the summery, so i decided to do the boys a favor by making the first one not a Matt/Jonah slash. It might not be the best written thing ever, but i for one think it gets the job done.  
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_Enjoy!  
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_I don't own people.  
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* * *

_The following events happen once every few days, more or less like this._

**Somewhere in LA...**

It was around eleven at night when she entered the bowling center.

The center itself was nothing impressive. The same could be said about the women. She dressed in a way that drew no attention to herself. All in bland colors, nothing too bright, nothing too showy. The only thing that kept you from identifying her if you wanted to were the sunglasses she was wearing, as well as a hat. It would have been a perfect disguise if she was in a crowd. Unfortunately, nobody was in the center that late except for her and the owner.

The owner was a young-looking man with messy hair. He focused on the bowling ball that he was polishing in his hands, not looking up at the women who just walked in. That did not mean he didn't notice her.

"Welcome to Hardwick's All-Star Bowling." the man said, still engrossed with the ball. "I'm sorry, but we're closed."

"You do know that the door was unlocked, right?" the women asked.

"Well, I wasn't gonna lock myself in," the man replied, turning the ball in his hand to get the other side.

"Are you Chris Hardwick?" the women asked.

"That's me." Chris replied.

"I loved you in Web Soup." the women said in a bland tone.

"Oh.. OH! Thank you!" Chris replied with excitement in his voice, looking up at her for the first time since she entered the bowling center.

"When is it coming back on?" the women asked, as if she was only in there to give the most boring interview ever imagined

"It's...not." Hardwick replied. "G4 going through a...phase..." he said as he sadly looked down at his ball.

"Interesting ball you have there". The women said, which was a step up from asking.

"Oh this? It's pretty cool. Inside of it is a replica of the TARDIS from Doctor Who! That means Time And Relative Dimensions In Space, in case you were wondering This is by far the coolest ball I have!" You could smell Hardwick's enthusiasm about the subject.

"I wouldn't expect anything less from the Nerdist." the women said.

The smile disintegrated off of Chris's face upon hearing the women's statement. He put the ball down, then looked her dead in the eyes.

"I haven't been called that for a while." Hardwick said. "What are you here for?"

"We need you to do another podcast" the women said.

"Never." Chris replied sharply. "Not after...last time."

"But the world needs you!"

"Nobody needs me except for these bowling balls. They are my only true companions."

"Mr. Hardwick, we live in a world where children just want to be famous in the future, nothing more. A world where funny people and good actors get screwed over by the main stream media and reality TV. A world where nobody cares about anybody 'process' anymore since nobody cares to ask." the women explained to Chris. "We live in a world that needs the Nerdist. We need the ramblings, the promos, the truth about how famous people became who they are. We need you to lay down some hard truths on the people, tell them that their dreams are achievable, but they will have to work their asses off for them. Do not turn away from this world, Mr. Hardwick. You must tell them to enjoy their burritos every day."

"...Did you prepare that speech beforehand?"

"No." the women lied.

"...Alright," Chris sighed, "I'll do it. Who am I interviewing?"

"We aren't quite done yet. We need the other two."

"What are you saying?"

"We're getting the band back together."

"Well that's too bad!" Chris said "Because, even if we can find them, there in no way they would come back with us. I'm sure wherever they are now is much better then being on some dumb podcast!"

_Transition..._

"Are you trying to get me to look at your penis?" Matt Mira asked.

The man who Matt was talking to at the Fruit Stand Expert Bar acted surprised. "Why, whatever would give you that impression?" he asked.

"Well, you told me you needed help deleting all the pictures off of your device, but I can already tell that they are all just pictures of your dick."

"I had those left over from something else." you really should not be poking around your customer's private matters."

"No, what I'm saying is that literally every picture on this device is a penis. The same penis.

"Oh well. I guess you'll just have to delete them one by one."

"That's not how computers work. I can just select the album and delete it. Also, all of these picture seem to have been taken five minutes ago, in a car."

The man opened his mouth to argue, but shut it again. "You know what? Screw it, I'll go to Best Buy. The Geek squad will look at my dick, so long as I tip them."

"As creepy as this conversation sounds," Chris said from behind the man's shoulder, " We need to talk to Matt."

"Alright then." the creepy man said ans he started for the door, but turned to Chris before he left. "Hey, you Chris Hardwick! I modeled my hair after your's in Singled Out! I think my barber refereed to it as "Rape hair."

"I, uh, thanks?" Chris replied, as the man left the Fruit Stand. He turned over to Matt. "Matt, get your crap together, we're doing the podcast."

"Alright, just a second." Matt said. He stood on to of the Bar and shouted "F**K ALL OF YOU, I AM OUT OF HERE AND NEVER COMING BACK! YOU PROMOTE DREAMS AND LOVE THAT YOU NEVER MAKE TRUE! YOU JUST KEEP MAKING THE SAME DEVICE IN DIFFERENT SIZES. IT IS A VERY GOOD DEVICE, I WILL GIVE YOU THAT, AND I ALWAYS GET EXCITED WHEN ONE COMES OUT, AND IT IS ALWAYS ONE OF THE BETTER ONES WHEN IT COMES OUT. BUT I WILL NO LONGER WORK HERE!"

Matt jumped off the Bar and ran outside. One of his coworkers mumbled "See you next Tuesday."

Chris went to follow Matt. Now there was only Jonah to find, and something told him that he would be much more difficult to track down.

_Transition..._

"Now I have a mammal swastika tattooed on my shoulder" Jonah Ray said. He paused to let the crowd laugh at the joke. He was preforming at a comedy club called the Hilarity Holding, a club that was built into a prison.

To say the gig was not going well was an understatement. He was by far the smallest person in the room and the best smelling, which also discomforted him for some reason. He was beginning to realize that the only reason so many inmates were watching him was that they were planning an riot.

Despite all of that, Jonah was still glad to be there, as opposed to his old job.

"Now I like to-" He began to say, when first saw Hardwick in the back of the room. His eyes widened and his face dropped into a look of absolute horror "Oh God no."

Hardwick took one step froward, which prompted Ray to dive off of the stage in a mad sprint into the crowd. Chris ran right after him. This sudden event was enough for the prisoners to begin their riot. They beat up guards as well as each other. The entire club had become a mad house.

Somehow, Jonah had mad his way onto the roof, with Chris right behind him.

"We need to do one more podcast!"

"NEVER!" Ray realized that he would not be able to make the jump between the two buildings, but he had to try. He could not go back.

He ran back a little, the sprinted for the ledge.

He leaped, and, as expected, fell extremely short.

Lucky, he landed inside of a car.

Unfortunately..

"GODDAMMIT, JAGUAR!"

_Transition..._

_ "_Hey, Phirm."

"Hi, Chris. What's up?"

"We're doing another podcast and we might need some music. You in?"

"Sure, I guess."

"Thanks, man. I'll talk to you later"

_Transition..._

Everyone was doing there own thing when the trio walked into the Nerdist building. They drew everybody's attention due to their sheer awesomeness.

The Indoor Kids, Kumail and Emily, briefly glanced up at the trio before returning their attention to the game they were playing.

Pete Holmes was sitting uncomfortably close to Justin Williams. When Pete looked up at the Nerdist boys, Justin took the opportunity to clap his hands and disappear in a cloud of smoke.

Weird Al was in the middle of interview with President Obama when the boy passed him. He looked over at them and gave them an approving nod before returning his attention to the president and asking him who his favorite pony in MY Little Pony was.

Neil Patrick Harris and Neil deGrasse Tyson were talking to some alien puppets. Because NPH was the puppet guy and and Tyson was the space...Yeah...

Wil Wheaton was waiting by the door to the recording studio. He raised his hand and proceeded to give the best high five that was ever delivered to Chris.

The Nerdist boys sat themselves down in the recording studio. The women from the bowling center was there, along with somebody with a burlap sack on their head, presumably their guest.

"Are you ready?"

"Ready as we'll ever be. What's your name, anyway?"

"Just call me KL." the women said. She walked into the audio booth.

_ Podcast begins in 5..._

_ 4..._

_ 3..._

_ 2..._

"Wait, we need to adjust our microphones! They're not-"

1...

_Now entering  
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* * *

_So there it is, the Nerdist FanFic. I kinda half-assed the Jonah part, but i think i made up for it with the Jaguar line.  
_


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